Consider the Source
Consider the Source
“Can I talk to you about something?”
“Of course! You know that!”
“Okay. Well… I’m starting to have doubts about being with Alex.”
“Really? Why? You guys have been so happy together!”
“I know, but…well, the sex isn’t that great. If we really loved each other, wouldn’t it be better? If we were really compatible, it would just be naturally great, right?”
“Mmm, I’m pretty sure that’s a myth, actually.”
“Seriously? It always seems to work out for everyone else when they’re really in love!”
“Where are you getting your information from? Friends and family?”
“No! We don’t usually talk about stuff like that! But I can talk about anything with you.”
“Awww, definitely! So you’re polling movies, romance novels?”
“Oh. Maybe?”
“Yeah, sometimes people just aren’t compatible; it’s true. But most people I’ve talked to need some work and a lot of communication before things get really good in the bedroom.”
“Oh. So…you think maybe we’ll be okay, then? I really do love him. I just wish that part of our relationship was better…”
“It can totally get better. But you guys need to be able to really talk about it. Do you think you guys can do that?”
“I think so. We’ve been good at talking about other hard things. I just didn’t think that was something that we’d really need to talk about.”
“I’ve learned that we basically need to talk about everything if we want to keep things healthy!”
What other myths have you encountered about sex? There are so many to choose from, but let’s explore a few today!
(These myths are based on the research of Doctors John and Julie Gottman from the Gottman Institute.)
Myth: Romance will never change if it is real.
Reality: On the contrary, it’s necessary to accept that in a long-term relationship, things will change.
Romantic relationships are dynamic and require ongoing effort, communication, and adaptation from both partners to navigate the changes and challenges that arise as they live their lives together. Life requires adaptation, and a romantic relationship is no different. Change doesn’t mean anything is wrong, and change can even be good.
People in long-term relationships realize that life events (having babies, job changes, kids reaching different stages), health fluctuations (including weight gain and aging), and personal circumstances often lead to change in a romantic relationship. Even things that seem unrelated, such as conflict with family members, grief, or issues at work, can change individuals’ mindsets and needs, and loving partners need to be ready to love, support, and be flexible as they navigate changing needs and wants together.
Accept the inevitability of change in your relationship and work with it. Try to stay positive about your partner and things that attract you to them. Everyone is more attracted to someone who helps them feel good about themselves.
Myth: Conflict will kill romance. Never complain and never fight.
Reality: Instead of shying away from conflict, research supports that you should discuss your innermost feelings and don’t avoid conflict.
When you’re feeling upset about something but don’t talk about it, it often festers for a long time and then can come up later in a more destructive way. Without discussing difficult feelings, couples will find that emotional distance builds up. Without emotional intimacy, loneliness can leave us vulnerable to people outside our partnership. As long as we’re fair in our discussions and arguments, addressing conflicts allows partners to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns openly and honestly. Through effective communication, couples can better understand each other's perspectives and work together to find solutions.
Addressing conflicts allows partners to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns openly and honestly. Through effective communication, couples can better understand each other's perspectives and work together to find solutions. Successful conflict resolution builds trust, promotes emotional intimacy, prevents resentment, and enhances relationship satisfaction.
Myth: Affectionate touch hurts the erotic part of a relationship.
Reality: In your relationship, make sure to use lots of non-sexual affection, especially touch.
Everyone wants to feel loved, attractive, and desired. But if the only way we ever show that is during (or leading up to) sex, we’re missing many opportunities for emotional intimacy and connection. Some of the benefits of non-sexual affection such as hugging, kissing, cuddling, and holding hands include emotional bonding, enhanced communication, increased intimacy, and improved mood and well-being. There are documented physical health benefits as well.
Loving touch leads to stress reduction (since all loving touch reduces oxytocin), and studies have shown that regular physical touch can lower blood pressure, reduce inflammation, and boost the immune system.
Research has also shown that couples who engage in regular non-sexual affection report higher levels of relationship satisfaction and happiness. Feeling loved, valued, and emotionally connected through affectionate gestures strengthens the marital bond and contributes to long-term relationship satisfaction. A partner who feels this way is also going to be more interested in sex when it does come up.
Myth: Spontaneous sex is better than planned sex.
Reality: Make sex a priority and make time for it (planned or not).
This seems easy enough, but so many couples report lacking time or energy for sex too often after the demands of the day have taken their toll. Scheduling sex might seem unromantic to some, but many couples find it practical and even enjoyable. There are lots of ways to make it more fun (even if the date and time are set). With pre-planning, you can bring in lots of great experience enhancements like working on your foreplay at different times throughout the day (anticipation is sexy!), setting the mood with a romantic atmosphere, or trying new things to bring a little more fun or interest to something you’ve (let’s be honest) done the same way most of the time. Speaking of fun, sex doesn't always have to be serious. Embrace moments of laughter and playfulness during scheduled encounters. Don't be afraid to let go of inhibitions and enjoy each other's company in a light-hearted and fun way.
Ultimately, making scheduled sex fun and enjoyable requires creativity, communication, and a willingness to prioritize intimacy and connection in your relationship. With the right approach, scheduled sex can become a fulfilling and exciting part of your romantic life.
Myth: Keep a lot of mystery in your sex life.
Reality: Talk about your sex life and what you like. Talk about what felt good, and how to make it better.
We often take feedback about our lovemaking as a personal rejection. That’s one reason most couples (in the USA, at least) have a hard time talking about sex at all. But if your partner wanted a massage, would you just assume that however you usually did it was the only way, and would feel the best to them? No—you’d ask questions as you went, trying to make sure it was as helpful and enjoyable for them as possible! You can treat sex the same way, even if you’ve known each other for a while, and think you probably know what works best. It’s a good idea to follow some careful rules here, though. Gottman suggests these:
Talking About Sex Ground Rule 1
Both people have agreed that they will be honest, and gentle with one another.
Talking About Sex Ground Rule 2
Both people should mainly emphasize what they like in bed, instead of what they don’t like.
Talking About Sex Ground Rule 3
Both people should compliment one another, remembering and reminiscing about the good times they have had in bed together.
Talking About Sex Ground Rule 4
Both people should try to remain open-minded, and realize over time they will become better lovers of one another if they talk about sex.
These myths certainly aren’t all-inclusive, but they’re a great starting place for better practices, and most importantly, for better communication. You got together because you liked and loved each other, and continuing to build on that will help you adapt to changes and talk through the things that aren’t working. Sex isn’t the most important part of a relationship, but it’s a pretty influential piece. Don’t let misinformation mess this up! It’s definitely worth a little extra work and care to make sure your time together is enjoyable and rejuvenating instead of just a chore or a struggle to get through.
If you might need a little extra help working through this and other important relationship aspects, let’s set up a time to talk!